Ecopark

Tuesday Katelin and I checked out the local ecopark. Uh, it was not what the website made it seem. Not even a little. 

The website boasted of trails galore, a petting zoo, and tens of family activities. The reality hosted a large building with a fake hawk and one trail through a polluted marsh. 

Yes, we were disappointed, but the view was gorgeous, and the trail was home to a multitude of beautiful Wisconsin birds and allowed for a really nice walk. We even spotted a blue heron (though his sought after meal floated belly-up in the water)! 

The bluffs were amazing in the low clouds, and the trees are that wonderful vibrant green that's only around this time of year. 

My favorite was the log so many of the pictures were taken on. 

This may have been a fail in some ways, but it was also a win in others, and there are plenty more adventures on the way this summer! 

Until then, I am off to take my last final of the school year. I could not be more relieved! 

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Being Proud

Trees in bloom on my campus.

Another week has reached it's middle, and I am so thankful for what is wrapping up and what is just starting. 

Two finals stand in my way of warm, summer days in bed and even more summer adventures. I'm going to take this time to just be immensely proud of myself, because I don't do this enough. 

My first weekend of college was spent bawling my eyes out until my mom drove back and brought me home. After one night (which I also spent crying) I thought I was going to have to drop out and live at home for at least another year. Yet, somehow, I stuck it out and made the Dean's List my first semester. 

When imagining college, I imagined a huge group of friends, hiking every day, and a lot of coffee. Basically what I saw in facebook posts. The coffee thing was true, but the rest wasn't (and isn't for most). My only friend was my roommate, and while I had people to talk to in class, I never actually made friends. I stuck to myself, in my dorm, and... I was happy. 

This wasn't how I felt at first. The first few beautiful weeks I spent doing homework out on campus lawns watching other students walk by in huge groups. Like the facebook pictures. And I'd be laying there in the grass thinking, "Why isn't that me? How could I not have made one friend?" And yeah, I cried about it. 

What I figured out, with the help of my grandma, is that... that isn't me. I grew up with only a few friends, girls who I still talk to every day and call my best friends. I am not the girl who walks in a huge group or knows a huge group, let alone one that hikes every day. 

And that's okay. 

Though my friends were not at college with me, I talked to them daily. I didn't need to be walking with tens of people across campus to feel close with someone or accepted, but it wasn't easy to figure out. When I finally did, my time on campus was so much more amazing, because I fell into "me" and felt comfortable in it. 

Not only did I become comfortable in this new environment and myself, but I got through some of the hardest courses I think I will ever take (knock on wood) with straight A's. I mean... Go. Me. 

Second semester was another big basket of lessons. I moved back home when Katelin moved in with my mom and I after us being apart for four months. That was a test unto itself seeing as she left Minnesota to return to Kansas the month we started dating. Now, we had been best friends for years, so it wasn't like two strangers dating and then moving across the country, but still: a big challenge. It was one of the hardest things I've been through, but I know it made us stronger. 

Living together *permanently* was another big challenge and is every day, but it also gets easier every day as we learn how to better communicate and live peacefully (or not-so-much) side-by-side. We are rarely apart, which can make for some huge fights, but it means being with my best friend every day and it's a freaking blast. 

Katelin

This also means I became a commuter, and when Minnesota weather is as insane as it is... this is not an easy task. Let us also not forget I suffered from mono in February. I missed many a class, and believe me, professors don't like that...   

I haven't gotten grades back yet, but already I am proud of what I have accomplished and gotten through. There was a lot of stress this semester, but I worked hard in letting go. I failed a lot, but I conquered a lot. A class I never wanted to take became a life-changer, pushing me onto the path of a Sociology major. That still blows my mind. 

And here I am with two exams marking the end of my freshman year at college. Holy crap, that is crazy. 

I am so. proud. of myself. 

We really do not take enough time to say, "Wow, self, I'm really proud of you." Not even in the times that we deserve it so much. 

So, here I am, taking a moment to look back on everything I've done instead of what I messed up on (we focus way too much on that...) and simply being proud. 

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Your Body is Saying, "Listen"

Though you may think you know what your body needs, your body knows better. 
If your body is telling you to sit down and just breathe for a second, listen to it!! 

For a girl who constantly feels the need to be getting something done or moving on to the next thing this is a very hard lesson. It's also a necessary one to follow considering I had mono only a few months ago, and relapses happen.  

This morning I woke up ready to make the day productive! Two weeks worth of laundry lay overflowing next to Geoffrey's dirty hamster cage, which sits next to the closet with a very broken dresser, and in front of that are bags of stuff brought home from the dorm that have yet to be put away. Unfortunately, my body wheezed, and yawned, and forced me to slow down and just focus on breathing. 

An early symptom of mono for me was not being able to catch my breath, like my lungs just didn't have the capacity to expand to their fullest. It reminded me of my asthmatic days, and that makes me nervous. When I have mono relapses an easy signal is the fact that I frequently lose my breath and become extremely low in energy. Maybe my mind says to get cleanin', but my body says to slow down. 

Bodies tell us a lot: what foods are good or bad, when enough is enough, when the weather isn't too pretty, when we need to shut off the computer, and when we need to take a break. This isn't even all of it. If you take a minute to listen, bodies tell us so much! 

The problem is when we forget to listen to the whispers and wait until our body has to scream (which can be very painful as I have experienced) to get our attention. 

It was so hard to listen to my body today, but I'm doing it. This weekend is dedicated to rest and studying in bed. (I'll probably squeeze in some laundry out of desperate need for clothes.) 

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Living Like a Butterfly

Picture yourself only having a life of 24 hours.

How would you spend the one day that totals up your life?
Instead of counting your age by years, you count by hours, by minutes.
Maybe you don't even notice time.

How would you treat others?
How would you treat yourself?

You only have a day... 
Do you want to spend that time thinking hurtful things?
Saying hurtful things?
Being filled with negative emotions?

I wouldn't.

So, why do we spend our own short life like that?
Maybe we get 70 years, if we're lucky, but
maybe, like a butterfly, we only get the next 24 hours.

We can't know.

So, how are you going to spend it?
Surrounded by your favorite people?
In your favorite environment?
Wrapped in love for yourself and all the flaws you can't help but notice in the mirror?
or
Dragging yourself through the day?
Hosting a mind full of negative thoughts?
Carrying a body that is strained under negative energy?

Are you going to fly 
with beautiful wings?
or
Will you stay in that cocoon forever?

Imagine living like a butterfly,
treating each day like your first and last,
and see how you in turn treat yourself and
the life around you.

Butterflies actually live from a week to a month, some making it nine months! I wrote in the terms of 24 hours, because that's what someone told me when I was really little and astounded me, making me think about having a life that short... 

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The End

The end is always the hardest.

I don’t mean this in some deeper-meaning, death way of thinking… I mean it as I’m in the last one-and-half weeks of spring semester, and finals are upon me, and I still have daily homework, and it’s beautiful out, but I’m inside with greasy hair and no deodorant on and…

Is there a store college kids can buy motivation at? Because I ran out two weeks ago. The car is out of gas only a few miles from home, so I’m walking, but I’m also dehydrated.  

Why isn’t the end the easiest part?

I should be carefree at this point, not minding the homework because there’s not much left. Instead it is painful pulling open the file of my ten-page paper, knowing I only have one page left to write. Somehow I end up bopping around on here, on Pinterest, and looking at buying The Walking Dead PC game after one sentence.

At least I can look out my windows, which are all open, and see the trees finally blossoming big green buds. I can enjoy beautiful drives to campus along the river… and I can know that next week I will finally, finally be done for a few months, and refuel.

Until then, I will squeeze out the last drops of intelligence and creativity within my brain and crawl to the finish line.

Is your week moving as slow? If it is or isn’t, I hope it’s as beautiful as mine has been! 

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Suck It Up

Do you ever catch yourself sucking your stomach? Even just lying in bed I’ll realize I’m restricting my gut backwards.

On my very best days I’ll catch myself doing it!

It doesn’t feel good, but after years of self-esteem issues (especially surrounding the stomach area) it’s become automatic.

Flat bellies are in now, right? That’s what the magazines say, the TV shows say, and the gym-babes walking down the street say.

And according to this notion, the rest of us should join a gym, start a new diet, and double up on crunches so we don’t have to suck it in anymore.

With summer and bikini season approaching I say I’m done with that idea. If you have a flat belly, then you rock that flat belly, because that is your belly. But if you, like me, are softer and stick out a little (heck, maybe you stick out a lot! Love it up!) then we’ll rock ours, too.

I’m so much more comfortable and relaxed when I just let my soft belly go where it goes. When it’s not held back it feels good, and I’ve finally been able to look in the mirror with loving eyes and realize it looks good, too.

When I see a girl on the street and wonder what it’s like to rock that tank top without a thought, I remind myself that I can do it too. I just have to stop sucking in, because when I suck my belly in, I suck myself in and restrict me in that moment. It sucks… literally!

Just recently I’ve begun picking out shirts that feel and look great: the ones that my belly can remain free of restrictions and that don’t cause me to second-guess my wardrobe choice on the way out the door. If your closet doesn’t hold items like this, then you deserve to change that.

We deserve to have clothes that make us feel great; that make us feel gorgeous as we walk down the sidewalk. We deserve to love where our body hangs and shifts and feels a little softer than the rest of us… that is your body; that is you.

Summer is coming, and this is the perfect time to say, “Hey. I love that swimsuit, and I love this body, so I will wear both proudly, and fully enjoy myself.”

You’ll feel and look more beautiful, I promise. 

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You are Wonderful

When you say something you regret—to your mom, sister, boyfriend/girlfriend, stranger on the street—know that you are still wonderful.

When you mess up for the third, fourth, or tenth time—on an exam, in your personal endeavors, in your faith, in your relationship, at your craft—you are still wonderful.

If you think you have lost everything about yourself, screwed up everything that you had going, and are now in the abyss of nothing and nowhere—you are absolutely still wonderful.

I’ve found that it’s so easy for the nasty voice in my head to speak louder than the sweet, loving voice. The sweet voice whispers constantly, but without encouragement she stays quiet and off to the side, while her nasty counter-part screams and throws winning punches. The nasty voice is the one I tend to give in to, nodding and replying, “You’re right.” She gets louder.  

The nasty voice finds new, sharper ways of wording what I’ve started believing about myself. Some days she may comment on my body, some days on what a horrible person I am, or how I suck at being a Christian.

The sweet voice wavers in the background pleading me to hear her, too: “You’re still wonderful.” But this is too easily ignored or missed in the static.

The last few years I have really tried to nurture the sweet voice more than the nasty one, but it’s hard. Some weeks are better than others, but I have to remember that even when I fall back into nurturing the nasty thoughts, I am just as wonderful as yesterday or last year.

We are taught to think of others as wonderful and find something admirable in them. We should see the great things in our friends, family and peers, and nurture that in them, but what about ourselves?

Encouragement and love for others is so important, but don’t forget about you. You’re important, and you deserve your encouragement and love. Even when you’re a downright monster. (I’ve had a few of those times this week)

Those are the times when your love is especially needed. That’s when you need the reminder of you are wonderful the most.

Though I may act like a monster, I am not a monster. I am wonderful. 

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