Hiatus

I am currently going through the lesson called I Cannot Make Everyone Happy. 

I can only make myself happy, and I have to let others make themselves happy, because I can't do it for them. 

Because of this I have not been posting and may not for the next week or two.

I'll definitely have a lot to write about in trying to collect my thoughts and feelings when I return. 

Hopefully this is a painful time that ultimately leads to growth. 

<3 

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Two Girls

Currently I am fighting the battle of being two girls. 

One is the girl who I am most hours: when I'm happy, having fun, or when I'm understanding and compassionate. She is who I strive to be.

The other is who I try to hide, cover up, and push away. She is the one who hurts so bad and strikes out violently and cruelly because of it. I am ashamed of who I am when she takes over. 

The latter is the girl who needs the most love, and it is so hard to grab her and love her when I try to pretend she isn't there. The hardest part is when She lashes out with hands and words, because I have to love her then, too, but it's easier to hate her and shove her away again. She needs me the most, but I want her the least.

I have conquered one hill in acknowledging that She is within me, and that she is not evil, she is just hurting. Still, I try to fix her and make her fit into the box of ideals I have created for myself--ideal girlfriend, daughter, writer, worker, friend, Me.

I continually tell myself, "That's not me when I act like that. This is me when I act like this."  

Well, that girl is me and Her actions are Mine, and by telling myself that She's not hurts us even worse. She becomes more strangled and isolated, and when She finally makes an appearance she is angry. 

How do you take it when someone purposely ignores you, and it's someone that you had a fantastic relationship with just a few weeks ago? It hurts you in your softest parts, and you want to get their attention. You want them to see you and explain themselves. You may even want revenge. This is what I'm doing to a piece of myself, and nothing hurts quite like that. 

Even when I acknowledge all of this, it does not make the path less confusing or painful to follow. I don't know the right choices to make to bring my two selves together as one. Right now I'm just trying to love them both equally, because they are both equally me. 

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So Hard

Today has been hard. So hard. 

Katelin and I have been planning for a good friend of mine to come up for two weeks, and she arrives Wednesday the 28th. We found out my aunt and cousin are arriving this weekend last week. Today we found out four other family members are also coming up. 

If you know someone with anxiety, you know how hard these sudden plans become. 

If you know someone with anxiety, you know how hard it is not being able to make it better.

I tried to switch the dates my good friend comes, but her train ticket is bought. 

I am angry, because I can't control this situation.
I am angry, because I can't fix anxiety. 
I am angry, because no matter what I do I can't make everyone happy. 

For now I am trying to just focus on my friend coming up, because that is who we have planned for, but it's hard feeling like I may hurt feelings in the process. 

I can't make everyone happy, and so I'm putting first who deserves to be first at this time. It's just so hard. 

Today is one of frustration, overwhelm, and defeat. 
Some days are like this, and it's so hard.

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New Summer Routine

A few weeks back I told Katelin once school was out I was going to make it a habit to do yoga after breakfast and after yoga take Ruby (the dog) for a walk. 

Today we began making this goal a reality. 

I realize that sentence just made this seem way more bad-ass than it may actually be.

Upon waking up this cloudy morning and filling my stomach with my favorite cereal Katelin found us a yoga routine we had never tried, and we set to opening and energizing our bodies. 

We had to stop the thirty minute video after fifteen minutes, because it was so flippin' difficult. 

I was sweating like when I did cross-fit, and my upper-thighs were burning from the squatting positions the yoga video had flowed us into. 

Stopping when I need to, whether it be in yoga, school, or eating a meal, has been extremely hard to learn, and I'm still learning. Little things like this--stopping a video halfway--used to (and sometimes still does) make me feel like a failure. The cause would become that I sucked and was incapable, and I'd never do it again. 

Over time I have reached the point where I know that stopping when my body speaks up means I am strong. Strong enough to hear my body out and accept it's need with love, not frustration. This has taken years to reach, and I still have a long way to go. 

I don't always hear my body, and I don't always listen to it, but when I do I can feel the appreciation radiate through my muscles. It's a happy energy that flows instead of the blech-y feeling that sits in my stomach when I push too far. 

With muscles shaky and legs like jello but revitalized (you know it's good yoga when you have this!) my girlfriend and I took a short break to chow down an apple and take our vitamins. Then we harnessed the pup and hit the neighborhood! 

Let me tell you: a walk can do wonders for your body, your mind, and your soul.

This sounds like something to roll your eyes and laugh at, but on a day with wind ruffling your hair and cooling your skin (not blowing you down the sidewalk) and the last of the blooming flowers sharing their fresh, perfumey smells with you through the air... a walk is like magic. 

We meandered past bunches of lilacs (my favorite), fields of dandelions, and pink and white petals floating from trees. 

 

I was even so sweet as to pick one of the finest dandelions for this beautiful girl. 

This morning was definitely a healing experience, and I hope you will find as much magic in a walk or morning routine as I have. 

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Flat Belly Skinny Thighs

Tonight, as my fingers clack across the keyboard, I prepare for an all-nighter. What does this include? Pinterest. My greatest obsession and inspiration. 

Pinterest is where I discover crazy awesome DIY's like wallpapering your fridge, making an indoor tabletop water garden, or making a butterfly feeder! 

I also discover super delicious treats to bake, healthy but yummy meals to try, and a multitude of yoga poses I've yet to discover! 

This site rocks. 

Still, scrolling past pin after pin there is a continuous stream of workouts with titles like "flat belly skinny thighs" or descriptions such as "finally, a workout that actually works!" where a girl who was already very thin is now extremely skinny. 

Let me stop here. 

Skinny is not bad. 
Skinny is not ugly. 
Skinny is beautiful. 

So is Average.
So is Fat. 

Skinny is not bad. 

Working out for the sake of being skinny is bad.
For the aesthetic appeal of skinny. 
For wanting to be "beautiful" because skinny is beautiful and fat is ugly. 
For wanting a flat belly and skinny thighs to love yourself or be loved by others; to feel attractive and good about yourself and appear attractive to others; to be happy. 

For so long working out was to compensate for what I ate; to keep my body in check; and to make sure I didn't need to buy new jeans before school started (unless the jeans I was buying were smaller). 

It became a battle with my body, not a worshiping of my body. 

I am not saying working out is wrong. 
I'm saying what so many people do it for and what it's posed as is. 

Working out should not be for that "flat belly skinny thighs"; it should be for the energy that roots you to your body and makes you feel invincible. 

And you know what? You don't have to work out to get this feeling.  
Working out does not make you love yourself. 

Can it be an act of loving yourself? Of course.
It can also be an act of hating and punishing yourself. 

These posts that flood websites, TV, magazines, or the streets we walk on are declaring that skinny is beautiful and healthy, while fat is ugly and unhealthy. This is not right nor okay. 

Working out should not be "to get skinny." 
It should be to come together with your body in worship no matter if it's little or big. 
Use it to reinforce self-love practices not self-hate rituals!  

You don't need a gym membership and you don't need to do "this many" push-ups followed by "this many" planks to feel great, to be healthy, and to love yourself. 

You don't need a flat belly or skinny thighs to feel beautiful and wonderful and full of life; to have style and zest; or take stunning pictures you can't wait to post to Instagram or Facebook. 

That's all right inside of you already. 

Those posts on Pinterest that occasionally make me feel like crap can suck my big toe, because I am thin and soft, full of muscle and also jiggle (I find my jiggle quite fun), vibrant, full of love, and a source of infinite awesome-ness. This doesn't change whether I be fat or skinny or whether I sweat it out in a workout every day.  

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Ecopark

Tuesday Katelin and I checked out the local ecopark. Uh, it was not what the website made it seem. Not even a little. 

The website boasted of trails galore, a petting zoo, and tens of family activities. The reality hosted a large building with a fake hawk and one trail through a polluted marsh. 

Yes, we were disappointed, but the view was gorgeous, and the trail was home to a multitude of beautiful Wisconsin birds and allowed for a really nice walk. We even spotted a blue heron (though his sought after meal floated belly-up in the water)! 

The bluffs were amazing in the low clouds, and the trees are that wonderful vibrant green that's only around this time of year. 

My favorite was the log so many of the pictures were taken on. 

This may have been a fail in some ways, but it was also a win in others, and there are plenty more adventures on the way this summer! 

Until then, I am off to take my last final of the school year. I could not be more relieved! 

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Being Proud

Trees in bloom on my campus.

Another week has reached it's middle, and I am so thankful for what is wrapping up and what is just starting. 

Two finals stand in my way of warm, summer days in bed and even more summer adventures. I'm going to take this time to just be immensely proud of myself, because I don't do this enough. 

My first weekend of college was spent bawling my eyes out until my mom drove back and brought me home. After one night (which I also spent crying) I thought I was going to have to drop out and live at home for at least another year. Yet, somehow, I stuck it out and made the Dean's List my first semester. 

When imagining college, I imagined a huge group of friends, hiking every day, and a lot of coffee. Basically what I saw in facebook posts. The coffee thing was true, but the rest wasn't (and isn't for most). My only friend was my roommate, and while I had people to talk to in class, I never actually made friends. I stuck to myself, in my dorm, and... I was happy. 

This wasn't how I felt at first. The first few beautiful weeks I spent doing homework out on campus lawns watching other students walk by in huge groups. Like the facebook pictures. And I'd be laying there in the grass thinking, "Why isn't that me? How could I not have made one friend?" And yeah, I cried about it. 

What I figured out, with the help of my grandma, is that... that isn't me. I grew up with only a few friends, girls who I still talk to every day and call my best friends. I am not the girl who walks in a huge group or knows a huge group, let alone one that hikes every day. 

And that's okay. 

Though my friends were not at college with me, I talked to them daily. I didn't need to be walking with tens of people across campus to feel close with someone or accepted, but it wasn't easy to figure out. When I finally did, my time on campus was so much more amazing, because I fell into "me" and felt comfortable in it. 

Not only did I become comfortable in this new environment and myself, but I got through some of the hardest courses I think I will ever take (knock on wood) with straight A's. I mean... Go. Me. 

Second semester was another big basket of lessons. I moved back home when Katelin moved in with my mom and I after us being apart for four months. That was a test unto itself seeing as she left Minnesota to return to Kansas the month we started dating. Now, we had been best friends for years, so it wasn't like two strangers dating and then moving across the country, but still: a big challenge. It was one of the hardest things I've been through, but I know it made us stronger. 

Living together *permanently* was another big challenge and is every day, but it also gets easier every day as we learn how to better communicate and live peacefully (or not-so-much) side-by-side. We are rarely apart, which can make for some huge fights, but it means being with my best friend every day and it's a freaking blast. 

Katelin

This also means I became a commuter, and when Minnesota weather is as insane as it is... this is not an easy task. Let us also not forget I suffered from mono in February. I missed many a class, and believe me, professors don't like that...   

I haven't gotten grades back yet, but already I am proud of what I have accomplished and gotten through. There was a lot of stress this semester, but I worked hard in letting go. I failed a lot, but I conquered a lot. A class I never wanted to take became a life-changer, pushing me onto the path of a Sociology major. That still blows my mind. 

And here I am with two exams marking the end of my freshman year at college. Holy crap, that is crazy. 

I am so. proud. of myself. 

We really do not take enough time to say, "Wow, self, I'm really proud of you." Not even in the times that we deserve it so much. 

So, here I am, taking a moment to look back on everything I've done instead of what I messed up on (we focus way too much on that...) and simply being proud. 

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